I received a letter in the mail a few weeks back requesting a donation to a non-profit in my neighborhood that grows produce organically, specifically to give to our local Food Bank. This is a mission that certainly speaks to me and I would love to support, however, my first reaction was “I can’t help” and I folded the paper and threw it down despondently moving on to my next task. The story in my head was such “I’m a single mom, I already have a list of things my son or I want/need and I don’t have enough money for… one day I can help, but not now, not yet (sigh).”
As I mentioned in my last email… One of our greatest needs we have as a human is the need to give. And here I was in the face of my impulse to do so, denying it.
Worse yet, this story keeps repeating itself in my mind and it drains me. It leaves me powerless. I’m honestly sick of it! The more I tell it, the more I feel it becomes WHO I am.
A deeper voice inside me screams, knows, this IS NOT who I am. I have boatloads of examples in my life that call out the discrepancy in this. Money has NEVER shown up in my life and then magically changed the story I was telling myself. Always, always, always, I have changed my story and things (like money) get manifested as I need them. When I feel I have (and am) enough already, I always have been able to will what I need into existence.
Fortunately, I’ve been questioning this story I feel stuck in and have committed to taking actions that defy it. So as I sat there deflated, letter flown to the side, I paused and realized this was yet another one of those opportunities to question myself. I picked back up the letter and thought past my reflexive no and into the question… can I actually donate? Just the question alone lightened me. And I realized instantly, yes, YES I CAN.
I can give SOMETHING. $10, $20… this really wouldn’t affect my life at all. Not nearly so much as not giving, which was causing me to close off to my heart, to shut down. The upfront feeling is that giving away money is going to TAKE AWAY from other needs I have. But the reality is giving support to others with my money IS filling a need in me and only CONTRIBUTES to the energy of filling my other needs. It opens me up!
At this moment, I faced (for perhaps the trillionth time) that poverty is not reflective of what’s in the bank account, but of the lack of what I honor in myself. One self-reflective inner dialogue followed by action and I went from poor to rich in record time 🙂
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**** This is an afterthought
The day after writing this post I received an anonymous card in the mail with $150 cash inside, stating it was a gift toward an event I wanted to attend. Back in September, I attended a weekend retreat that was very healing, it was a big investment for me, but I decided it was worth it (and it was!). Afterward, I declared I would treat myself to the next one in March. When I went to sign up recenty, the cost had increased a chunk ($150 to be exact). This pushed me back into my poverty story, it felt like too much of a push financially and I decided I wouldn’t attend. And here today, in the mail, came this gift. Wow. Floored me. Is there a direct correlation to what I shared above? You betcha! Life is so beautiful. It doesn’t calculate numerically. It responds to our needs when we honor our own. Lesson learned (again)… stay open!!
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