The other day I listened to a recording from one of Marshall Rosenberg’s workshops (he’s the founder of NVC- non-violent communication). For those who aren’t familiar with his work, what he essentially teaches is the art of communicating compassionately, without the use of blame, judgment or domination. My life’s work has led me to be an advocate for bringing this same approach into our sales conversations. As I hear Marshall speak, my brain goes into rapid-fire, as so much of what he shares is the same thing I am trying to say applied to sales.
In one of his exchanges during this workshop, a gentleman shared how he loved helping his mother when he was younger and that he truly did things for her selflessly. Marshall shot back “I don’t believe any person has ever done anything FOR another person.” He went on to say that something has to meet a need of OURS or else we won’t do it. However, what he says is this: one the strongest needs we humans have is the NEED to GIVE.
YES! It is so important to recognize that we are fulfilling a need of our own by every action we take. For when our needs are met, we are at peace and in our natural state, we are creatures that have a deep need to give. To help. To support. It fills US up to do so.
What this also signifies is that our needs are actually GIFTS! When we realize that others have a NEED TO GIVE, we can see our need is a gift to another, it fills a need in them. Such is the beauty in our essential nature. So profound when we really let that sink in.
So why are we so separated from the truth of our essential nature? Over an epic amount of time, we moved into an era of domination. This means to control through force which has extended its reign over our innate impulses to give. We have turned to use bribes, rewards, and punishment to get people to act… to control this part of us that has a need to give!! This use of force literally STOPS the natural flow of giving that is innately in us.
So what does this mean in terms of a selling exchange? For one, counter to this bottom down hierarchical role it plays out in our society… selling at its essence is a mutual exchange. It is the meeting of two people with equally valid needs asking each other to help meet them. This at its heart, is always beautiful.
So why has selling become something that we often associate negatively? Because we don’t see our needs as gifts. We don’t see them as beautiful, something to be shared… something when offered, that will literally help another feel fulfilled to meet them. The buyer (nor SELLER) is valuing the gift in their need and hence turns (mostly unconsciously) to force in order to get their needs met. And it often doesn’t work. Honestly, as far as meeting the essential need, it NEVER works. This is often why no success, no amount of money can feel “enough”. From this spirit, this belief, it is not.
In concrete terms, as sellers, we are taught to use a variety of “tactics” to motivate people to act. From offering rewards (if you buy NOW, you will get this, oh and this, and THIS) Have you noticed these lists of bonuses seem to keep getting longer and longer? Hint hint, people catch on to coercion. And so the seller tries harder by offering even more rewards. All the while presenting the image that YOU NEED THEM. When the truth is both need the other.
Another obvious tactic is fear… If you don’t let me help you with your problem, you will be stuck with it forever. That’s the straightforward speak of much of the language that screams in our face “I’m here to serve you”, while simultaneously shouting the demands it would like from us in order to do so.
This isn’t a one-sided affair. As a buyer, we often impose unfair demands on the seller. If I give you “this” (usually money), then I better get THIS and THIS and THIS. The FULL responsibility is often put on the seller to make something happen. There is a demand in that. And it’s often a request for the seller to solve problems that are not within their ability to do so. Certainly not without our active participation at the very least.
The gist is that there is a lot going on underneath the surface. What seems “nice” on the surface maybe isn’t when we go deeper. According to Marshall Rosenberg’s terminology, we may even call it violent. Gulp.
The truth is that at its heart, selling is simple. Not easy. But simple. What is needed is for both the seller and the buyer to get to a place where both their needs are clearly laid out so each party can see if they can help meet the others. This is where connection happens and it is from connected states that problems work themselves out. In selling terms, we feel fair, equitable and soulful exchanges occur that enhance our lives.
In another workshop with Marshall Rosenberg, someone proclaimed; “This shift that has to happen seems so big. It feels simple, but in the face of things, so hard. How will we ever pull it off?” His answer was to share that when a person sees that their needs will be better met by this approach then the switch will be made.
Pretty simple. No force involved, but a natural progression that seems humanity is on the path of heading down. This is exciting.
Whether we understand all this intellectually or not isn’t important. What matters is the clear articulation of our needs.
Whether we like it or not we all participate in buying and selling in some way or another. I feel there is a collective need emerging for this process to be beautiful.
In our dance of life here together we have this grand opportunity to help fulfill this need in each other.
How friggin cool.
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